Whoaaa nelly, I forgot I had one of these things! I've taken quite the blogging hiatus, but I just figured I'd wait until...now? I guess? At 2:00 am. Because, writers, right?
I think I might've blacked out for the last several months; I seriously don't know what's been going down I've been in such a fog. I'm not even kidding, like, when did July even happen? I've obviously still been in constant Yia Yia land, which currently consists of updated hospital records (cue the precursory late night fun times), new doctors and medications, and at-home nurses and physical therapists in and out of our house. I'm just thankful my mom and I finally have the extra help and resources now because force feeding her and staying up all night long was getting really old. In addition to all the dementia/kidney failure drama, I recently dropped off my car for an oil change (and whatever that noise was) and walked away with...not a car. SWEET. And now, with this pocket magazine I have in my hand that has in printed letters "Staff Writer: Diana Joiner" and three articles written by yours truly, I don't know whether to laugh, cry, pull my hair out, or all of the above.
It's been a little overwhelming lately, to say the least. Lots of ups and lots of downs. I've been told to have patience in the process, goosfraba and all, but I have to admit, remaining calm and patient has been the hardest part of everything. Might I also admit that I was not expecting my mid-20's to be so...uncomfortable. I don't care what anyone says, I'm uncomfy. But maybe I do it to myself because I'm being too self-critical that it makes me insecure? (Example of being too hard on myself: I already took a highlighter to the magazine cover-to-cover to catch all the pesky mistakes that are going to give me anxiety and drive me up a wall, so I couldn't even grant myself a night to celebrate without pointing out what's wrong with it, even though for a first issue, it's still darn good.) Regardless, I'm not complaining that boo hoo, life is so hard. It's not. It's wonderful actually. Hallucinations until 7 am, a busted engine, published work and all, everything is good.
Working for what I want while handling the hardest personal obstacle I've had yet to encounter in life has been the best thing to happen to me. (Besides that time I went to Thailand; that was cool, too. And TYWBD.) I'm grateful for everything I've been achieving, no matter how small a feat, even though there is a part of me that's secretly freaking the eff out. It's not a bad life right now, even given the "bad".
I could get real deep and take it there to explain the depths and roots of my inner turmoil, but that's not for you. All I want to convey is that the harsh voice in your head, be it your own or someone else's (yes, even if it's a make-believe voice), or obstacle, or person, or circumstance, or whatever, should never stop you. If it's that bad that you can't ignore it, shut it up by making it your fuel to keep going so you can (spitefully) prove it wrong. Show those bad vibes where the sun don't shine. Never make yourself a victim. Embrace the challenge; it'll make you feel that much AWESOMER when you accomplish something. Keep heading in the direction you want and things will kind of just fall into place on its own. Actually, let me rephrase that; things fall into place as you hustle. Life has a funny way of working out, but it does take time.
To someone who "doesn't get it," they might look at me and think, "Uh, what's the big deal?" And to each his own. Judge away if you like. But to me, holding this magazine in my hand with my name in it, gearing up for future issues and projects, and knowing that this could really be a viable career path for me is something I'm allowing myself to have a victory moment over. Just let me have my moment!! And having a second chance to take care of my Yia Yia, Depends and other new accessories included, has been a blessing. At the hospital (amidst the magazine deadlines, mind you), doctors were preparing us to say our goodbyes, yet here we are with her back at home and I'm happy to have more time with her. Even if she still forgets who I am.
So, moral of the story. Even though my world is a little bit of what you might call a cluster----, I'm getting there. Slowly but surely, I'm getting there. Doubters gonna doubt, haters gonna hate, but I'll make it so that when I'm sitting pretty, they'll be the first ones to ask me how I did it. I might not have a ton of money, I might not have a car, I might still be living at home, but I'm right where I need to be. And thankfully, I live at the beach...that always helps.